Whew! Hi there! It’s been a good old long time since I’ve popped a post onto my blog. As my former literary stomping ground, this was not planned as a year where I neglected blogging. In fact, it was the start of the year when I launched my swish new blog design. I had grand plans to do x, y and z this year…. and those plans just never materialized.
At the start of the year I’d found a way into my very own ideal blogging rhythm. I felt good about the content I was working on across all my platforms – well at the time – just Instagram and words on here. But I felt good about what I was working on.
And then things started to feel a little bit funny. Not the “haha” kind of funny, but the funny sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that won’t go away.
I was very attuned to what was happening over in Wuhan, China at the start of the emergence of COVID-19. And I was so petrified. A few years ago, I was diagnosed as having anxiety – and while I’d worked very hard to get it under control… I found that my health anxiety was rearing it’s ugly head again.
And health anxiety means that every little thing that is wrong with you feels like it could be the end and also it means that you constantly fear the worst. There were occasional days when for some reason I was absolutely convinced that the seal on the butter from the supermarket was tampered with and I would be poisoned. I promise you, my line of thinking has significantly improved and I no longer fear butter poison.
And please, if that sounds absolutely ridiculous to you, I know. And I know how it felt at the time. You don’t feel like you are yourself. In fact, you can’t even fathom being yourself. But if you’ve had health anxiety, I hope it feels relatable and OK to feel like you’re not alone for any sort of paranoia you may have experienced or be experiencing.
It goes to show, how my mental well-being was at the time. And anxiety can hit you even when you’re living your best life. I’m happily married, my job was going well and I got to travel quite frequently, both for work and fun. Anxiety can feel traumatizing some days.
And well, we’re in the middle of a pandemic, aren’t we now?
So instead of spending my usual days writing and creating content, I started to slide immediately backwards into a cocoon of health anxiety, paranoia and general sadness.
It’s not like that’s particularly unique. We all have suffered throughout this year like no other. From losses in our families and friendships, to loss from our jobs, our familiar lives of stability were completely flipped upside down. No, it wasn’t enough that we’ve had to worry about literally dying. We’re all worried about every. single. thing.
It’s been… tough. But in the past two months I’ve started to turn my way of thinking around. Mind you, not every day is perfect. But I feel happier than I have in years.
I feel like I’ve found my magic again.
So I wanted to write about that feeling. I talk about it a lot on my Instagram, but it’s noteworthy and without a doubt should be here too.
Six ways I found my magic again this year
Letting it go
You can belt out the Frozen tune now and I won’t stop you. For months and months I lived on the edge, so terribly afraid of this virus. And don’t get me wrong – I’m still fearful. But there’s a way to acknowledge it’s presence without it ruining your entire life. I can accept that this is happening. There’s nothing I can personally do to solve COVID-19.
However, I can wear my mask, make safe choices and resume some sense of normalcy again. Once I was able to let go of this devastating feeling, I felt like a pressure had been lifted from my body.
Joy in loving the little things again
Hot cups of coffee. Sleeping in. Sunshine peeking through the window. Cold wine. Sofa snuggles. Finding a dress that fits perfectly. Reading a good book. Calls with friends. Actually seeing friends. Hugs. Letters. When someone else cooks dinner. Candles. Cooler weather. Big jumpers. There are so many things that we take for granted daily. I’m guilty as ever, but I’m actively trying to think about all the things that make me happy every day more and more.
Returning to old favourites
I read an article about how rewatching and returning to old favorites is something we do because we find comfort in already knowing what is going to happen. And of course, I completely understand that. You see, I’ve been rewatching Gilmore Girls for the millionth time. As well as revisiting the Harry Potter books and films. There’s comfort in knowing what already happens. I actually wrote a post all about the shows to rewatch during the pandemic and I think it still holds quite a lot of merit.
Being myself… publicly!
Doesn’t sound so scary right? Well, turns out, it’s not! For years I’ve been keeping a part of myself offline. I always thought no, stick with what you’re doing, don’t change. Don’t end up being yourself. Definitely not showing your weirdo side. But truth be told… I LOVE being a little bit weird. And I love talking about films, movies, books. Or dancing in my kitchen like a fool. And I’ve finally started showing the “real” me online and I’ve felt 100 times better for it.
Conversations with YOU
This stems from being myself online and honestly it’s going to sound terribly cheesy but I have been having some of the best conversations over in my Instagram messages. Like, the moment I decided that I would just be me, was the moment that I could talk about ANYTHING with you guys.
Periods. Sex. My Draco Malfoy obsession and totally making Joe dress like him… you know, whatever! It’s been refreshing to talk with you all so openly and it’s fucking DELIGHTFUL. We’re all a little bit weird after all.
Getting creative in a new way
So I’m doing things differently now because I’m happy and it’s ah-mazing. I never thought I’d be wearing ball gowns in photos or running down the street in a black-tie kind of dress… but it’s 2020 and here we are. This is who I am and I LOVE IT. I finally feel completely free to create and do whatever I want – not like there was anyone out there holding me back but myself. It feels really good to not hold back who I am.
So truly it’s possible to find your magic again, to find yourself. Being yourself is a wonderful feeling. I’m happy. I feel like it’s odd to say out loud, but there it is. I’m happy. I’ve talked quite a bit on Instagram about this and now I’m saying it here too.
It’s OK to be exactly who you are all the time. Unless you’re a serial killer in which case maybe pump the breaks on that.
Lots of love,
Kelly x